Tuesday, March 2, 2010

baby myth busters #4-kids ruin your life

they don't ruin your life -they completely smash it to pieces leaving no recognizable trail or memory of what your life once was -let me explain before you judge-

i've been in rockbands all my life, crisscrossing this white trash land of ours for years. Having some beers with the fellas, going 5-8 days without bathing and not returning phone calls for months-just like everybody else, free and as parasite ridden as a bird!

Even in my youth i never really liked that part of it. I love to travel but not the way a band does. You're constantly late, you always feel like shit and people always seem to be mad at you-i guess because everyone else you're dealing with at clubs/venues is as hungover and tired of all this crap as you are. You don't see anything on the road either except THE road-and the
inside of where you're playing -oh, and how the wendy's in illinois decorates differently from the one in florida. (the differences are slight but worth noticing, each state lovingly adds or subtracts fake plants or glass salt and pepper shakers here and there)

wait, what is this about ? i did it again.... right, babies ruin your life -even one of my very favorite simpsons episodes, marge and homer go in for their official pregnancy test and dr hibbert simply hands them a pamphlet that says 'So you've ruined your life' and if the simpsons said it (92 -99), it was funny because it was true. What i was saying about the band stuff and freedom and all that jazz, i never cared about that anyway -in fact i had made the decision to quit before i found out we were pregnant -

It's called a nap and you'll never get a good one again -just the precious PRIVILEGE of laying your head down on a pillow, it's something you never think about it, is it? Man you don't know what you got til it's gone-your inner head movie may scream I HAVE TO SLEEP OR I'LL DIE AND SO WILL EVERYONE AROUND ME but that's irrelevant. Sure i sleep of course or i would be dead but it's not right-it's fitful and you're constantly on alert now and you dream about going to the grocery store alone.

How bout typing with both hands or leisurely lingering over your lunch for 6 minutes? wanna go see avatard again and again and again and have dinner ? you can, but now you have to
plan it like you would a trip to Paris. Hbomb has taught me not to procrastinate -i'm healed, thanks buddy.

As i sit here typing this, i'm trying to tune out a video he's watching that i think could have been used to flush the Branch Davidians out of the compound.

Part II- The strange part of it is, i don't even remember our old life -not that it seems like a dream or unreal or fuzzy but i don't remember it, at all-Thank God my wife takes pictures like um yeah, a tourist. Or i would have no memory of what i'm bitching about, which is a pretty awesome admission, actually -that i like to complain about stuff i can't even remember.
It's the principle of the thing really, i didn't want all that other stuff anyway, i've had a super amazing, blessed life so far and i've been an idiot and lived to tell about it. I was ready to move on anyhow but i don't like knowing that those things are impossible to us now- I know, it's very childish.

One of my good buddies, we'll just call him Vw, always told me the best part of about having a kid was when you come back from vacation you avoid the staggering post trip depression because you have somebody you love waiting for you -this is totally true and also a total curse.
When you do get time to yourself, all you do is think about your baby and if he's ok and what he's doing and maybe what you've missed.

So to sum up, when you have your child with you all you do is think about when you'll get a break and what you're missing out on and when you do you get a break all you do is think about when you'll get him back and what you're missing out on-

Life. Ruined.


  1. I like kids and have still long held the opinion that they ruin everything.

  2. aaahhh always the opTIMist. I promise, you will eventually get good sleep again. Mine are 5&7 now and I woke up late yesterday to the sight of my 5 yr old dressed, fed, teeth brushed, jacket on and lunchbox in tow. All of this was done while I was blissfully dreaming of having my pre child body and sailing my yacht off the Maldives....oh and all before 6am. The 7 yr old is at the "remote" stage. We don't have to move a muscle if we don't want, we gave birth to you so go fetch me a glass of tea & go get firewood and so on. Remember when 4:20 was the "best time"?? lol Like a kitten on a screen~just hang in there....

  3. Bizarre to see all of these adoption Google ads on this page. They're waaatching.....

  4. i would cry for you, but i am crying for myself right now.

    actually, the crying stopped last year.