Tuesday, October 27, 2009

when your favorite band turns into your mom dropping you off at the dance

it's hard to admit when anything you've loved for a long time is over-or become irrelevant, obsolete, stale, outdated, embarrassing, hard to look at, repulsive, nauseating, cringe inducing, clueless, rotten, or in this case, u2 officially turned into the rolling stones of my generation with 'no line on the horizon'-please just play the hits and never ever try and shove those 'new' songs down our throat again live- they were clearly nearing the edge (no pun intended) of the cliff on 'how to dismantle an hbomb' -but you know there were some moments that didn't relegate them to the cover band i now demand they become. Come to think of it, the peak was surely' achtung baby'- 'zooropa' was cool because, damn they made they record WHILE on tour for achtung-that's really a terrible idea and hard to do but they did it and it was quality- then 'pop' came out and they left out an o- and i know people loved 'all you can't leave behind' but maybe because it was around 9-11- we were desperately nostalgic and needed to believe and that record was at least better than pop-plus they put away the bullshit persona and got 'serious' for us, which at the time, again, comfort food-

they've always sounded like they knew what they were doing, even when failing. until now i guess-their snl performance this past month really brought to light of just how totally clueless they look playing these new tunes-like a bunch of old guys in a bar cover band trying out some originals on an angry, drunk crowd-did someone scream 'play some skynrd' in the snl audience cause that would've really worked that night! also please please please somebody tell bono-we fully comprehend the fact that they are 'live' -his constant references in every song to this being
'LIVE ON SATURDAY NIGHT' embarrassed me for them in a way i thought only reserved for my mother when i was in jr high-and bono swinging around on his glowing mic-it reminded me you can get away with ANYTHING if you make a good record or a good movie or whatever, you know- if you do something people love AT THE MOMENT- this is the definition of pop culture, right? i don't care if you've been a band that's done this or that or whatever -get out of my face if what you're selling me sucks- anyway all i'm saying is, don't swing around on pink day glow miley cyrus inspired props (even if playing a good song as 'ultraviolet' during this moment) if your shit sucks- cos you ain't getting away with it if what you're selling is 'get on your boots'

god what an awful, awful song-truly the nadir of a once mighty band-why do they feel the need to try and have a hit? it's so obviously not necessary-we can all agree that music as we knew and loved it is basically over and u2 as a band has admitted it too-so i don't understand why they would make such a desperate attempt at winning over a toxic corpse-it's like selling your soul for winona ryder-it made sense a long time ago but now, not so much-they should just pull out acoustics and do old blues covers or you know smoke pot and 'really branch out' or whatever -they've earned it- new songs like' breathe'-man, again- just so lost sounding -the rapid fire nonsense that bono spits out is ed hardy garish-'i'll go crazy if i don't go crazy tonite'? do i even have to hear this song to know it's bad? no i don't- even though blackberry treats me to it on a regular basis -thanks blackberry, for always freezing up and for using that song! there are hints of good tunes ('magnificent', maybe almost 'moment of surrender') but no cigar, strung out like a guitar etc etc-i missed them on the last tour and the one before that because you know, well i don't want 40 % of the set to be bridges to babylon-although my buddy, JORDAN ROBERTS,that went to the 'no line' show told me bono had a sunglasses tech that night-not a joke-i would have liked to have seen that- and how you get trained for this job? i guess swear up and down that 'get on your boots' is A KILLER SINGLE, MAN!

Monday, October 26, 2009


i will let this picture do most of the talking as to the bizarreness of 3 old friends and i do mean old- who all had babies at the same time -jordan chugged that glass of wine- then put a jordan shaped hole thru my wall (ala wb cartoons) and was later talked out of a back alley vasectomy behind the moon.

Friday, October 23, 2009

the office vs 30 rock

i know we're early into this year's tv season but the office is CLEARLY kicking 30 rock's ass up and down the field. If there ever was doubt as to the superior being, the office has already stepped in and asserted its dominance in all areas. i watched both last night (it's such a special night now when you can't go out anymore) and the writing, acting (or overacting as 30 rock's case may be) and just overall general tone is just better at the office. Don't get me wrong i loves me some 30 rock but it just seems so in love with itself that it makes me embarrassed for them all. i know tina fey basks in the smell of her own poop and she should, she's amazing -i also admit to lingering over a toilet bowel of my own every now and then. but it's really coming across on screen now -I GET IT -YOU'RE FUNNY- YOU'RE CLEVER- YOU WRITE AMUSING SCREENPLAYS - YOU'VE ALL WON EMMYS-YOU'RE ADORABLE-YOU HANG OUT WITH THE PRESIDENT- I GET IT- now just kinda dial that down a notch and make us laugh like last year-

the office should be truly savored as probably the last great comedy television will be allowed to make- i think i can safely make this dire prediction with nbc giving hilarious jay leno a prime time slot 5 nights a week now-even pam and jim shacking up and then getting married hasn't slowed it down a bit- michael asking last night why didn't he deserve happiness? i mean if you watch the show it's obvious why he doesn't but he is still just a human being - it was just so incredibly sad and that's where that show always gets me- there's always a vicious upper cut to an already uncomfortable squirmy moment -there have been hundreds of them and man it's just so smart and entertaining -JUST LIKE JAY LENO-the characters seem so real to me that i talk to them while on screen -this reminds me of a true story that i must share...

my sister was in new york and spied a 'friend' of hers. he was on his phone and he walks past and she says 'hey!' he looks and nods and keeps going, picking up the pace-she assumes she wasn't heard so she slaps him on the back and yells 'uh HEY' where he proceeds to turn around and he flashes an irritated 'i heard you' smile and briskly heads off into the distance-she then physically grabs his shoulder and spins him around and says 'HEY IT'S ME' to where my wife who is with her realizes it's a cast member from ER- a show they of course watched religiously. my wife screams in slow motion NOOOOOOOOOOOOO to where they both collapse on the ground laughing- the ER actor runs away for good this time -no charges filed

wait where was i? -oh, 30 rock makes me feel like i'm watching an adult juno sometimes which is not good -the office consistently makes me feel itchy and sad which as it turns out, is greatness-the end

Thursday, October 22, 2009

the vizsla

let me start this by saying i've made some mistakes in my life. Giant life altering, course changing, soul scarring ones that have had such toxic effects they have obliterated other peoples lives. But nothing compares to the one i made when i brought a vizsla puppy home. this may sound melodramatic to you, but does an entire bottle of pine sol destroyed on your bed sound like something you could ever recover from? how bout a liter of blue gator-aide punctured and then bandied around the house like a paint sprayer? if you ever needed tar paper or dry wall disposed of, i know a dog that will eat it for you! he likes sheetrock too but that's only if family heirlooms are off that menu that day...

From the first time i had ever seen a frat boy walking one around my neighborhood, i had wanted one-i had everything they had now -northface jacket, braided leather belt, chevy yukon, bottles of southern comfort-this seemed to be the last piece -if i could attain this animal, then i would feel like i had a legitimate right to change my name to will.

The perfect opportunity arose, my dad lost his beloved dog and i knew i had to step in and fill the void for him. he wanted a lab like dog but smaller -the vizsla fits this description perfectly! i found a breeder, drove out to the tyler,tx 'area' to have a looksee. There they were - i have never seen a cuter puppy in my life and that is the truth here. You can't look away and that's when i got busted- the woman breeding these dogs caught my slack jawed gawking at them after i picked out my dad's bitch and said 'you like these dogs don't cha?' i mean i had driven 200 miles out into
the middle of bfe where people sport overalls with no shirt and constantly ask 'you gettin' smart?' hadn't i? ---yes i liked these dogs, in theory, i replied- then quick as you could whittle a corn cob pipe she said, "i'll give you the male for half" we already had 2 dogs-a 3rd is absolute insanity- but i called my wife just to make sure -yep, indeed she agreed it was a terrible idea, so that's when i wrote the check for our new pup!

When i take him on walks i get stopped constantly-he is that striking -people ask me what kind of dog he is -where can they get one- etc etc- i smile thru my teeth like somebody held hostage being taken into a bank a with a gun inconspicuously stuffed in their ribs-'no, nothing's wrong, having a great day, i would just like to withdraw my life savings today, thanks'

if you don't run this dog 90 minutes a day you have no chance

i have threatened to give him away 1000 times but my wife refuses as the ultimate punishment-even as he knocks her into a painting on the wall as he charges down the hallway-
even as he counter surfs and eats half a block of cheese - did i mention he literally ate half a direct tv remote control? not nibbled -like a great white shark had done the job-
i didn't even yell at him because i knew a strong reprimand was soon to follow in the form of the menu and guide buttons exiting his poopshoot.

i do love him now, he's a year old today and he loves to lick hbombs head-
i can tell he is ready to protect the newest member of the family from flies and squirrels.
but if you want him, let me know......happy birthday zimmerman

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

bag balm

i had never heard of this stuff until we saw hbombs personal dr for the first time. He told us it's initial intention was for sore cow's teets but you know people just started smearing it on everything and that he thought it was good for diaper rash. It works great on hbombs exit portal of shame but it also works wonders on my portly jack russell's annual august heat rash. Plus it comes in a old timey tin! Man i really like this stuff -oh a quick aside, the boudreax's butt paste works fairly well too but you have to death grip the tube or it won't come out and NO FANCY OLD TIMEY TIN FROM YESTERYEAR-so clearly bag balm is your winner

Monday, October 19, 2009

So shines a good deed in a weary world or hbomb as the key to the city

When you take your baby out with you, it turns out you're a lot like moses parting the red sea. People open doors for you, pick up stuff you drop, give you spare change, and even smile at you (i haven't figured out if it's just straight 100 % sympathy yet but i'm sure it's close) Let me use as a prime example, a trip to the post office. If you ever needed to see a more glaring, splattered on the wall case study in the worst in human behavior on all sides, the united states post office is a great place to begin. As your tires touch the hallowed ground of the dumb face, old ladies in lexus suvs are suddenly showing incredible driving prowess as they cut you off for the closest non handicap spot. Then, people race walk you to the door to be first in line to send out something useless that you didn't want anyway. It's so undignified looking. You stand in line shifting your weight back and forth ready to hit the guy in front of you in the back of the head with a shovel because he was the one that cut you off in the parking lot and out racewalked you to the door.

That's really the cute/ clever stuff i've observed that maybe you didn't think of. The rest of it is common knowledge-why bother to even begin to rail against the employees of the united states postal service-what could i possibly say that hasn't been said about these- the most uncaring,
unfeeling, blank faced automatons in the history of the service industry? The same braintrust that took the clocks off the wall to fool you into thinking it wasn't taking forever (this actually happened this year) doesn't need another word wasted on the fact that it might be the earthly portal to the gates of hell.

So i take hbomb in to the post office to mail off my tax return-i'm pretty terrified -it could be hours waiting in line-hbomb hates waiting more than dad does so, you know-ticking hbomb -
then something mystical happens- a grandpa cracks a joke in line saying he'll give me a million dollars for him -a totally rad brodude in an ed hardy hoody lets me cut in front of him (he's probably totally hangin' and doesn't want hbomb to erupt and i understand this-)-2 other people in line are all fine with me going ahead as well- but it's after my hands across america ascent up the line that it gets so very impactful. I set him down in his carseat on the counter and the lady working says 'oh child, it's hard isn't it? but he's beautiful and you're doing a good job' I stared at her more open mouthed and mouth breathing than anyone i had ever seen working there before. I don't understand why it takes being strapped to a ticking hbomb to make human decency happen, i'd never had anything against these people until i had been repeatedly treated like furniture (quote jbaby)by them. Here i was though, having the best day of my life inside the post office-all thanks to hb -thanks buddy! i can't wait to use him for speeding tickets and getting off sinking cruise ships.....(hbomb pic again lbates)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

baby myth busters #3- did you ever think you'd love something this much /instant attachment

i can't think of a more crushing let down than this set in stone, set on infinite loop, heard it so much it's white noise, thought of it as so true it's like gravity, absolute. Our parents have told us this over and over and over and you see it in movies and on the teevee. Your kid pops out- and hearts and flowers and perfume from heaven strangles the delivery room with so much instant love you start weeping like you're sitting in front of a 24 hour terms of endearment marathon (or whatever, just every time i walk in to a room and this is on, people are sobbing profusely). Well, this didn't happen to me. I was amazed and agawk at the miracle of birth. And i did feel this totally unexpected tidal wave of love for my wife (nobody really talks about this part which is bizarre to me) not that i didn't love her before, but just an extra 120 volt shock of it -it's like our entire married life flashed before my eyes and then here she was doing this, it's just so gutsy for a woman to go thru this entire thing- i still get scared when i have blood drawn or fish a splinter out-but not just all that, it was something supernatural and as so many have said, i won't try and describe it (wait i just tried to describe it) So, i'm holding Hbomb -looking down at him and um well, this is nice and strange and maybe we just had a new dog that you can't leave locked up in the kitchen when you go out. I really didn't know what to think -there was this totally new found sense of confidence though, just holding him. I don't mean like confidence tie or firm handshake or work the room but baby confidence- like this baby didn't feel to me like something from outer space covered in glass shards and made of paper mache like the other ones did-i knew how to handle him and i wasn't nervous ( ok,slightly nervous) .And. That. Was. it...................................
I was intrigued and happy he was here and very curious as to how he would influence our very established routine (married 10 years now) but the hallmark, 'knocked up' stupid cliche scene was undeniably absent. I didn't freak out, i just waited for the cloud of magic love to
slide into position over mine and hbomb's giant heads and rain down. But over the next 36 hours of the nurse coming in every 2 hours to administer motrin and getting to sleep on a cot fit for the drifter you let you do a couple of chores and then tell him to move on, nothing.
I had talked to a couple of my friends with kids and they had all alluded to this being the case but in a very hush hush kind of way. THIS IS SOMETHING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT. i guess that's why your parents hammer you on it so much so when you have your own you don't run off to belize. You have to give it a second......
As i get to know Hbomb and take care of him and love on him i do notice my cruel heart covered in black tar starting to beat. I realized i was super attached and could not stop watching him. And then it hit me, having a baby is much like anybody else in your life, you get to know this person and you take him into your life and your family. And then the kind of supernatural God part of it kicks in-this is YOUR flesh and blood- and co-mingles with that and now we're talking. So in conclusion and in summary (tim calhoun snl) yeah it does happen just not the way they say, or at least not to me -i'm not a monster?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The First Years - Clean Air Diaper Disposal System

So, i would say i had zero confidence in this thing before we had even dropped one of H BOMB's horrible shot puts of destruction inside it-also as a quick aside, i guess i want to dispel baby myths when i come across them -there is so much baby propaganda out there to wade thru and i would have really loved to have heard the truth -YOU DO MIND CHANGING 'YOUR OWN'S' DIAPERS- yeah you do -you get used to it, yes -but you mind, brother, believe me.....
anyway back to The Worst Years-Clean Air etc etc - we had to take this machine back to nightmares r us (from now on known as NRU) 3 times right out of the box because we couldn't get it to power up-the instructions though brief and in french were useless and i could not get the thing to come on- i couldn't figure out what was wrong with me -i didn't know if it was sleep deprivation (oh yes this baby prop is oh so true-like the casual acquaintance that asks you 'Are ya getting any sleep??' and you want to smash his face in -this is the equivalent of the Texas assface that asks 'is it hot enough for ya????) or just my family heritage of the need to hire somebody to change lightbulbs kicking in - i was so desperate to make this simple machine fire up (the filtration system runs on batteries) that i would commandeer anyone that came over to try and make it work -after reducing my own sister to tears i figured i was actually right, it was defective so i took it back - and then i took it back again -and then i took it back one more time-
The third time i sat on the floor of NRU with the mgr and we did it 'together'
the humanity........Anyway, the trash can has these 2 giant clamps at the mouth that crimp the bag open and shut which would be pretty ingenious if it worked-but it doesn't-you would assume this clamp was also run by the elaborate 4 d battery system but it's actually manual and one of the arms is always stuck-so the mountain of diapers is always sitting there looking at you when you wrestle open the lid -problem #106 with this -the top third( i guess) of the unit weighs around 8 lbs and it sits on you know, your regular, flimsy 1lb rubbermaid-esque shell
so when you have to detach it or change the bag, it's totally unwieldy. One of the major selling points of this thing is that you can use everyday trashbags as your liners which would be really great if this thing wasn't such a piece of crap. Again, another heartbreaking baby gift because i know my 2 friends that had to venture inside NRU to buy it for us were terrified and it was a real sacrifice for them to go in there and it drove them to drink that day. Ironically, this trash can is going in the trash can and we'll get a Diaper Genie like everyone else.

Monday, October 12, 2009

original sin

original sin- i was thinking about how the bible says adam and eve were the ones that ruined things for all of creation. Given my sense of false entitlement and expert rants of things which are not fair, i realized this is easily the most unfair thing of all-even more unfair than tx summers, strokes, big ears, and stubborn belly fat. So we are all sinners because adam was weak and eve was deceitful-they were the gateway drug to the hell we call the earth as it is today. But you know i wasn't there........it just occurred to me i can't fly and wrestle sharks and walk around naked with small ears and live on fruit and grass because of something this idiot did a long long time ago- if God put me in the garden of eden and said 'ok here's the deal--you're 25 forever you're supernatural -i've made a bunch of badass animals, mostly are bigger than you but don't worry, you say the word and they'll bring you a beer-the weather today will be, well i was thinking 72 with a breeze but if you'd like something different, just holler(after all we can talk ANYTIME YOU WANT- I CREATED YOU JUST FOR THAT) here's a place to hang out that you would have probably scheduled off for vacation time and spent 1000s of dollars (or whatever your currency is) to get to -btw without bugs that bite you yes God that sounds awesome that's really all i need..... beauty and harmony and communion with you -thanks THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER MESS THIS UP and then God being as benevolent as he is looks down and says, hmmmm you know as good as this is-i mean i am God and i did create this thing in my own image -well it would be good if he could have maybe a partner on his level -i can tell he gets bored when i try and explain things and God knows (that being me) i can't possibly dumb it down more than i already have well ,here you go -BAM a naked 22 year old woman that is yours forever -no dating no puberty no checking the caller id involved- just bliss all i ask is that you not eat the one piece of fruit in the center that i have made you conveniently allergic to anyway (apples make my throat itch) i think i could have made it work THOUGH I WAS NEVER GIVEN A SHOT and it's just unfair

Saturday, October 10, 2009

adiri natural nurser ultimate bottle

these things-they are supposed to trick your baby into thinking he's got the real thing-and i think it backfires because it's TOO close- i notice that when little hbomb nuzzles up to it he couldn't be more excited- then he realizes he's been duped and becomes enraged-my little gift from heaven starts thrashing around like a harpooned great white-Conversely, when offered a regular old run of the mill medela or dr brown nipple, he wolfs it down like that gay rat from charlotte's web in the state fair garbage dump (this is referencing the first animated movie fyi) And this is heartbreaking because my wife and i were like so many of you, wanting all of our baby crap to be 'beautiful' and 'cool' and not ' a terrible eyesore' -so to chunk these works of art into a donation box really hurt. They are beautiful and useless.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

what did i do????

this blog is being written by a retired, semi- failed rock musician who is now very old and suddenly a dad. i'm back in school but am taking this semester off to be mr. mom- there is absolutely no way to describe what happens to your household when you have a baby-everyone tells you but you just can't prepare for it or even understand it- so while i won't try, i will review everything i encounter while locked inside my house til january -baby products, movies i didn't mean to watch, the awful new u2 record, certain light fixtures, and drunken late night woot purchases. (amazing hbomb pic courtesy l.bates)